The first step out the door and the little chameleon

My story begins and ends with me.

Your heroine has not completed a 10-year personal development program to talk about how the rest of the world will fix up their lives. The best description is that I have done 10 walks and I am proud of them. My secret is that I no longer want to be the little chameleon. Maybe I could be one of the beautiful sculptures in a fountain. They stay cool all day and are lost in the world, usually in the form of an angel. Of course let’s hypothesize they have some logical thoughts. For the sake of my decent image.

Through the last few years I have experienced social anxiety. This keeps me from going out alone. I get stressed, hesitant and have negative thoughts when confronted with walking outside. I imagine this.. I am out alone, either in the city center or on the beach and I look .. well, alone. Like the loneliest tree in sight. Not only do I have toxic anxiety that others will say ‘she is alone’, but also that I look it. That I give a picture of sadness. It may sound excessive, but it is reality for me. It is a kind of fear. And it includes the opinion of anonymous unknown people around me, which allows my already negative thinking to darken more.

I have hesitated.

And I have hesitated.

And I have stayed behind with shoes on.

And finally I have started.

Initially I made this decision to fit in the normality. Everyone takes a walk. I played the uno reverse card. I walked to look like them. I am also healthy, I also exercise, I am also extroverted and uncomplicated.

But deep down I did it for myself. Simply, in the beginning I was not ready to carry this line of thought. The idea did not have enough gasoline to motivate me loudly.

Like every human being I wanted the best for myself.

There you go, my list of excuses to take the first step. I am out and so is my fear.

  1. I will walk to greet an employee / friend in the shop where they work — everyone likes a greeting!
  2. I will go to the supermarket on the other side of town to get strawberries
  3. I will ask who has errands to do in the city — the best opportunity to walk 3 km
  4. When I do not have intense anxiety, I get in the bus and get out during a stop. I start walking.
  5. When I’m stressed, I take water or juice with me in order to finish it. This is how I walk for kilometers.

From the second walk , I had discovered my true thoughts and my sense of self image. I did not want to fit in with others. I did not want to be a little chameleon avoiding attention. When I walk I do not think about the world around me. I feel like a peacock. I wear something that makes me feel beautiful and I feel magical.

Maybe I have my head held high. Or my nose. Truly, I do not think of anyone else. When I was little I had a bully who told me that when I walk my nose is raised high and that forces him to make fun of me. And I told him I had never noticed it and it’s his own idea. The irony is that writing now yes I replayed that memory but when I walk I never think about the past.

With practice, the first step outside the door becomes more and more enjoyable. It does not make me feel that a stranger’s opinion can push me down. I feel like I’m on a cloud. Thank God for small towns.

Closing this, I want to write that today I completed 4 kilometers again and for me this day is a CELEBRATION!

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La Chrysanthème

La Chrysanthème

Sensitive energy requires kindness and art. For the muses of this world.